Fragment #25 - The knot in my stomach

I look down at my chocolate’s cup. The whipped cream looks as tasty as ever, I love Starbucks chocolates. But it won’t take away the knot in my stomach. I feel guilty, and painfully confused… Mark is staring at me with his brown eyes; he looks so sweet, with his blond and dishevelled hair on his forehead.

“So I don’t understand, I thought you were with that guy, Mike?”

“Yeah I am but I still don’t really know him, so I don’t really know if he cares about our relationship…”

“Why don’t you ask?”

Can I tell him that I did and that this man I’m actually in love with didn’t answer? Can I reveal him that this was what I was afraid of, why we slept together; that I used a friend to get away from a relationship that is obviously starting to become painful? Is there still enough friendship between us, or am I going to hurt him? Is he waiting for something more than “yes we are still friends but as the sex is concerned, it was a one time thing”?

We needed to talk this over with Mark. And there we are, experiencing an awkward silence, faking the fact that we are just savoring our Starbucks chocolates… It took us the whole week to find time for this. I’ve tried to clear things up, talked to Claire so much about it that she ended up, irritated by my whining, telling me that it’s impossible not to know what you want. It’s just that we are afraid to want things. But even if, let’s say I could, I forgot about fear… What the hell do I want? Things aren’t over with Mike, it’s just that I don’t know where this is going, and I don’t want to lose Mark. Is this that complicated?

“Alright, I don’t think it’s the right time to talk about us after all. What happened just happened. But please, talk to Mike, go on with this and ask him questions. You don’t want to regret one day that you haven’t tried enough, do you?”

I’m amazed to see that this man might love me so much, friendship or not, that he can put aside the subject, and try and help me out with my feelings for another man.

“Anyway, what’s up in your life, anything new at school?”

“Yeah something good: one of my Spanish colleagues broke her leg…”

“Sounds very cool indeed”

We both laugh. We smile at each other, and it feels good and relieving to me.

“No what’s actually really cool is that I get to go on a school trip to Spain during the Easter holidays!”

“You’ll enjoy a bit of sun, lucky you!”

And I’ll go away. I feel that I need to go somewhere else. As I don’t know where, let’s take what life is giving to me…