Fragment #22 - Conceit

Wednesday 3rd September 2008
In Glasgow

Q. What's the definition of a mixed feeling?
A. Seeing your mother in law driving off a cliff in your new car.

I have a mixed feeling at the moment. Yesterday I spoke to my father on the phone. I spoke to him and I did so for more than an hour. You see, he's ill... Very ill. Lynne is in her room just now crying. I had to tell her that her father is dying, I had to tell her because she was at work when he called.
My mixed feeling comes from the fact that I still hate him. But I don't think I hate him enough to want him to die. Reader, I have never before thought of this day.

Q. What is the height of conceit?
A. Shouting your own name during orgasm.

Perhaps the height of conceit is the unwillingness to think of the inevitable. When John died it was something different, I knew it was self-inflicted. But now, now I just feel confused.
I have been asked to go with Lynne to the Hospital when he goes in. I'm not sure I can and I'm not sure I can't. Bugger.