Fragment #20 - Pandas

Saturday 30th August 2008
In Glasgow

“I have no sympathy for animals on the endangered list... Take Pandas for example, what do they do other than eat bamboo and die? Nothing! They don’t even fuck each other.
“Some of them are so lethargic that they have to be shown pornography. Why do you think that is? Is it because they don’t know what to do? No, I think its actually because they are secretly voyeuristic perverts that can’t get it up without some visual stimulation.
“What do they do in the wild? I find it hard to believe that in the deep virgin forests of China they can find an adult Panda video store to get their paws on some hot bear on bear action. 'No dear, I feel like something a bit different tonight… lets try the interracial Grizzly on Polar bear DVD for a change.' What would be your reaction, if you were to walk into a specialist cinema only to find yourself surrounded by Pandas staring at the screen with intense concentration, breathing heavily and rhythmically? No ladies. Let's expunge that thought from our minds forever.
“I once knew this guy who had this vast library of porn. This chap actually went into a shop, walked up to the counter and asked for these magazines, that’s fucked up. I have seen men in that newsagents round the corner, looking through the whole stock of past magazines… in public! Looking for any they don’t have yet. What kind of a will does it take to go into a shop and ask for a one handed magazine? I could never do that, you think of the bravery. It is terrible that brave men have now been reduced to going into a shop and asking for deviant filth... Shut up Lynne! Once upon a time we would have wars where men like this could go to show their valour. Now the only way they can prove their mettle is to go into the local paper shop and ask in a loud, commanding and proud voice for something they can have a wank over... When you think about it these men are the unsung heroes of our time, if world war three comes round, we should not look to the honest military man. I would look to the creepy guy in the long dirty coat to save us from the invading hoards. Okay, okay, perhaps not.
“I can’t really imagine seeing statues built for some pervert holding a DVD in one hand and his cock in the other, bravely looking forth towards the enemy; ready to engage in battle to save all the models showing their naughty bits on camera... How our society has progressed, once all we needed was a picture of the Queen and some small hideous child to inspire us into some xenophobic frenzy. Now all we need is some tart with big tits.”
“You're a strange man Ed.”